i'm tired, i'm about to fall asleep but my hair's wet and i honestly don't want to do anything so, why not, here's another useless blog.

i used to say that while i'm here - rather, in the next few years - i'd like to get my heart broken. shattered. fall in love, feel pain, jealousy, betrayal, utter and complete pain, fall out of love. i begin to wonder if that idea was incredibly naive, or incredibly desperate because i've come to realize that it doesn't take that head-over-heels in love feeling to be hurt. inevitably, we all get hurt and this pain unites us, makes us human, breaks us and has the ability to make us whole again. i think i'm afraid of change, i think it scares me to death and it's starting to really hit me that that is not a good thing. maybe it has to do with the fact that i've lived in diamond bar for 16 years of my life, seen the same people at school, got to know the people that work at the local albertsons, can drive anywhere within diamond bar blvd and pathfinder with my eyes closed. or perhaps it's because i'm an only child and sadly, i've gotten used to getting everything that i've wanted and when i don't - it not only angers and hurts me to a degree that's far worse than i've imagined but it also terrifies me. more and more i'm beginning to think i have serious underlying issues with all these things about me or whatnot, i don't know but i just know i hurt. and i hate hurting.

and then there are those people that will never leave. pillars of support, iron gates, hearts that reach out to try to save mine. without them i'd be gone. and i can't imagine my life without these kids. i really can't. because at the end of the day, it does help a whole lot when you know that there is always someone there you can turn to. it's a damn good feeling kiddos.

i miss home. i'm sick of school. i've been wasting the past two weeks away that i honestly have forgotten all that i worked so hard (okay maybe not "so hard") to imprint in my memory since the beginning of this semester. and there are so many things to miss at home. i can't even begin.

now i've realized that this was a totally crappy blog that reaffirms my nonexistent writing ability to show my true emotions. i rambled, i apologize, but what's there is there. beneath all the subtext and the horrible colloquialisms, there is a honest part of my heart in there. you just have to look hard to find it.