too many times i've wanted to write down my thoughts but didn't get the chance to - too busy scribbling lecture notes, too busy trying not to avoid the masses of people walking out the bart station, too busy not writing, not jotting down instances that can capture a moment that i can look back on, look towards as a sign of progression, growth, maturity? but this time, perhaps i can get most of it down. i hope i can.

listening to jimmy eat world's "my sundown" always makes me think. especially the lyrics that go "i can be so much more than this (no one cares) i want to be so much more than this (no one cares)" ...

so often these days we always end up discussing what we want to do in life, what we want to be, where we want to live, etc. etc. and some people know this, they know it so well as if they already had it mapped out for them. i mean, i listen to eliza say "i want to have an occupational therapy clinic" (i don't know if i got that one right) and richard reply "i'm going to be cooped up in some microchip lab" and i look at them, wonder if that's what they really want or if that's just what they realistically see themselves doing. because quite honestly - i don't have anything drawn out - idealistically or realistically. well, idealistically, i'd like to make tons and tons of money, who wouldn't, but i have nothing concrete, nothing specific that i want to do. it makes me think of the roads i've taken to be where i am, the rejections of dreams, the acceptances of reality and so forth. i came to berkeley as a stats major solely because i loved ap stats in high school. realizing that math in college is nothing like the ap calc of high school, i declared that i want to study business, thinking that my hatred for econ would miraculously slide. halfway through second semester (with a C in intro econ, mind you) i knew i couldn't do it. i mean, everything was so obvious in front of me that i wasn't cut out for business but i refused to believe it - partly because i figured i could make a decent amount of money studying business and partly because i thought i'd grow to like it. but you don't "grow to like things", you just do. and there are those things that come natural to you and those things that your mind just rejects at first glance. i didn't know what the study of mass communications was all about even after i planned the remainder of my time at berkeley to fit the major. but now, three weeks shy of the first core mass comm class i've ever taken, i love it. i don't know whether i found communications or it found me, either way, i'm glad it ended up in front of me. i don't agree with all of communications study, nor do i think it's the best field out there, but i just like it. and i think back, senior year of high school in ap spanish V where quynh and i would fantasize about our crisp expensive designer pant suits, eating caviar at the marble desk of our corner offices, 23rd floor in the most profitable building of a major city. that'd be so great, but it's not what i want anymore. i don't want to sit in an office all day, staring at my computer full of numbers and spreadsheets. i want to walk around. i want to stand. i want to see my office, but not live in it. i want to have the freedom of traversing a huge sound room, a set, a stage. i want to make phone calls to important people in other places, i want to fly across the united states for conferences and meetings. in short, i want to be mobile. and i want to come home to the comforts of an apartment - a nice living room, a slightly larger kitchen with a small island, perhaps a study, and two bedrooms. because at the end of the day, no matter where i've walked or who i've talked to for hours on end and how many studios i've ran across, i'm going to return to the security of the people i love. so yeah, maybe i've just come up with the idealistic model of my future while babbling on. communication/entertainment industry and my best friend at the end of the day. that sounds about right.