i think i've found meaning. i'm happy.

i've never been so happy to see a B+ in my life. although it seems to be the most frequent grade i receive nowadays, it doesn't evoke any feeling in me. because 1) i deserved less than that or 2) i really just don't care. but today, as my heart pounded out of my chest while my mass comm prof. was handing back essays, i swear i felt beads of sweat ready to drip by the tens off my brow. as she placed it in my hands and i bolted out of the classroom in fear she had given me a D so i couldn't look her in the eye, i quickly flipped to the last page and saw a gleaming 87/B+. god how ironic. it isn't even close to a solid A. but it felt right. for the first time in a long time, i felt as if i deserved it. i worked hard, i sat at my desk for 6 hours into the night, i was frustrated, angry, uninspired.

but it all led to something. and in that paper was a part of me i forged into it that painful night i spent thinking and thinking for explanations and ideas. and it meant something. something really good.