it's been a long time since i've written something. actually, i've been pretty busy so it's an excuse - sort of. and i'm writing this blog now because i'm avoiding my sociology journals at all costs! i honestly have no interests in organizations and today was my first appearance in class since last monday. a huge thanks to carol for forging my initials on the roll sheet - i don't expect you to but it's so sweet of you! i feel so bad though, you always go to class and i don't. i'm going to change that!
this past weekend, my pledge class and i went to retreat at lake chabot (i think that's what it's called) in the oakland hills. perhaps i'll post up pictures really soon but let me just say, camping and i do not go together. i am currently fidgiting because i have a mosquito (or whatever since richard said there weren't mosquitos up there) bite on my back and a huge one smack on my forearm. they itch so much! but i had a lot of fun, despite the unbearable cold, the rocks on the ground, the ice cold water in the bathroom sink...it was really something i'll never forget. we did a lot of "teamwork" stuff and honestly, i think with the things we had to do - guys gripping onto girls asses while they do a handstand, cheerleader lifts and so forth - really helped us grow...haha for lack of better words. this isn't one of my insightful blogs, if i even have any! so retreat this weekend, came back sunday afternoon really tired and sore all over, stupid ground.
and thanks to everyone that came friday! i had fun! sorry i disappointed y'all but seriously, i don't like to drink to get drunk. i'm just not an alcohol person. i turn red as a tomato and i have the tolerance of a snail or something. while i'm at the thanks - thanks to everyone who sent me cards and called and tried to IM me but i wasn't online (sorry jenn and candice), now you know where i was. my big, alex for driving all the way up to the campsite to bring us duraflame logs and sing happy birthday to me and give me flowers (that he made!) and chocolate (thanks for making me even fatter). and christopher - for the beautiful bouquet of asiatic lilies. flowers definitely do brighten up a room.
now that i've wasted enough time.
so i've been feeling pretty estranged lately. to say the least. (this is a continuation of my previous blog) i guess i just don't feel like i fit into the flow of things right now. i'm ridiculously busy most of the time but in the moments when i'm in my apartment along with my two roommates, i feel as if i'm still in an apartment by myself. (and now i'm just going to ramble, these are my feelings, yes i know i'm publicizing them to the entire world but at this moment i don't care, i'm going to care later but that i'll deal with when the time comes) sometimes it just feels like i'm a ghost living in 505. i have my room down the hall - which used to be the site of our late night conversations but now it's just a room down the hall. i'm not saying it's not okay for my roommates to talk without me but it almost feels like when they talk in front of me, i'm not even there. and when they walk, they walk five steps ahead of me. they walk, push and shove and i feel as if they don't notice me, the ghost down the hall, walking in back of them. like they have their bubble and i'm just not a part of it. and a lot of the times i am busy, writing or on the phone, but it seems like there are a lot more times when i'm not particularly busy and get left out. so i figured it was just me, being an only child and wanting all the attention, so i ignored it for a week or so. but it's just been getting progressively worse and i'm starting to feel that it's more than just me craving attention, it's me...hurting. then there are those times i just want to disappear. because then it wouldn't hurt like this. they have their own inside jokes, they have their laughter. they have their games - one has something about a sweater in his/her profile and i have no idea what all that excitement is about. and when i re-enter the apartment, i get a head nod. when others re-enter, they get laughter. greeting. excitement. happiness. i feel as if i'm just down the hall, away from things. apart from everything. floating further and further away of something i cherish, love, care about to the depths within me.
oh jesus. i will regret that. but for now. onto journals.
this past weekend, my pledge class and i went to retreat at lake chabot (i think that's what it's called) in the oakland hills. perhaps i'll post up pictures really soon but let me just say, camping and i do not go together. i am currently fidgiting because i have a mosquito (or whatever since richard said there weren't mosquitos up there) bite on my back and a huge one smack on my forearm. they itch so much! but i had a lot of fun, despite the unbearable cold, the rocks on the ground, the ice cold water in the bathroom sink...it was really something i'll never forget. we did a lot of "teamwork" stuff and honestly, i think with the things we had to do - guys gripping onto girls asses while they do a handstand, cheerleader lifts and so forth - really helped us grow...haha for lack of better words. this isn't one of my insightful blogs, if i even have any! so retreat this weekend, came back sunday afternoon really tired and sore all over, stupid ground.
and thanks to everyone that came friday! i had fun! sorry i disappointed y'all but seriously, i don't like to drink to get drunk. i'm just not an alcohol person. i turn red as a tomato and i have the tolerance of a snail or something. while i'm at the thanks - thanks to everyone who sent me cards and called and tried to IM me but i wasn't online (sorry jenn and candice), now you know where i was. my big, alex for driving all the way up to the campsite to bring us duraflame logs and sing happy birthday to me and give me flowers (that he made!) and chocolate (thanks for making me even fatter). and christopher - for the beautiful bouquet of asiatic lilies. flowers definitely do brighten up a room.
now that i've wasted enough time.
so i've been feeling pretty estranged lately. to say the least. (this is a continuation of my previous blog) i guess i just don't feel like i fit into the flow of things right now. i'm ridiculously busy most of the time but in the moments when i'm in my apartment along with my two roommates, i feel as if i'm still in an apartment by myself. (and now i'm just going to ramble, these are my feelings, yes i know i'm publicizing them to the entire world but at this moment i don't care, i'm going to care later but that i'll deal with when the time comes) sometimes it just feels like i'm a ghost living in 505. i have my room down the hall - which used to be the site of our late night conversations but now it's just a room down the hall. i'm not saying it's not okay for my roommates to talk without me but it almost feels like when they talk in front of me, i'm not even there. and when they walk, they walk five steps ahead of me. they walk, push and shove and i feel as if they don't notice me, the ghost down the hall, walking in back of them. like they have their bubble and i'm just not a part of it. and a lot of the times i am busy, writing or on the phone, but it seems like there are a lot more times when i'm not particularly busy and get left out. so i figured it was just me, being an only child and wanting all the attention, so i ignored it for a week or so. but it's just been getting progressively worse and i'm starting to feel that it's more than just me craving attention, it's me...hurting. then there are those times i just want to disappear. because then it wouldn't hurt like this. they have their own inside jokes, they have their laughter. they have their games - one has something about a sweater in his/her profile and i have no idea what all that excitement is about. and when i re-enter the apartment, i get a head nod. when others re-enter, they get laughter. greeting. excitement. happiness. i feel as if i'm just down the hall, away from things. apart from everything. floating further and further away of something i cherish, love, care about to the depths within me.
oh jesus. i will regret that. but for now. onto journals.
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