John:
I’ve known all this time that we were wrong for each other. I can’t make you happy the way you want to be happy and you can’t make me happy the way I want to be happy. But the thing that messes it all up is that we make each other happy just by being together. I am happy simply being with you and you know what, I think you’re happy being with me too. You said ironically that it was me all along who ultimately helped you get past being in love with me for this long but when it comes to me getting over being in love with you, I want you to be there for me. Somehow I know that with your presence, with your support, your everlasting friendship, we can do this because I know I put you through hell and I know you gave up so many things for me but look where we’ve become. You’re happy, aren’t you? You’ve got great friends, a good social life, you’re having fun and though there were rocky times, there are better times ahead.
I honestly feel like I’ve lost my best friend. You call me clingy and you think I’m being over-attached and emotional so much of these past weeks but a lot of the times, I just wanted my best friend to talk to. It’s hard enough that you’re my best friend and the person in the world I love the most, but I have to deal with that and I choose to. But when my lover walks out of my life, I know that there’s a reason for that and I know it’s because both of us deserved to be loved more than what we both could give each other, but my best friend doesn’t desert me. He promised me he’d never leave. I remember we made that promise to each other, a year or so ago, we said we’d always be friends, no matter what. I believe in that – and I know you believe in it too. It just feels like right now, only I believe in it and you only believe in it so much.
I miss you John. Those words are so underrated. I miss you so much that it hurts. You tear at every thought, I wonder what you’re doing at every moment, whether it is you’re laughing, or smiling, or raising your eyebrows that I love so much. Are your fingertips touching your arm? Are your hands resting on your legs? I think of you more and more as the night wears on. And I can’t escape from you, I can’t look away and not see you because there are so many pictures laced on my wall of you – I have you right in front of my desk, by my bed, on top of my bookshelf. All the images of you staring back at me smiling, eyes captivating.
Something in my mind screams out to me that I will be happy eventually, that I will find whatever it is out there that I will dedicate my heart and soul to, that I will make it beyond these depths of pain, of heartache, of late night sobbing against my pillow, of memories of you making me happy. If I can overcome the obstacle that was us, the obstacle of you, then I know everything will be all right. I will be all right. Granted it won’t happen overnight but after all these years I think I’m optimistic enough to know that it will happen. And when that day comes, you’ll be right by my side, hugging me, laughing with me, telling me, I told you so.
April
February 24, 2004.
*for clarification, i've used "john" and "april" as names in my writings as far back as i can remember.
I’ve known all this time that we were wrong for each other. I can’t make you happy the way you want to be happy and you can’t make me happy the way I want to be happy. But the thing that messes it all up is that we make each other happy just by being together. I am happy simply being with you and you know what, I think you’re happy being with me too. You said ironically that it was me all along who ultimately helped you get past being in love with me for this long but when it comes to me getting over being in love with you, I want you to be there for me. Somehow I know that with your presence, with your support, your everlasting friendship, we can do this because I know I put you through hell and I know you gave up so many things for me but look where we’ve become. You’re happy, aren’t you? You’ve got great friends, a good social life, you’re having fun and though there were rocky times, there are better times ahead.
I honestly feel like I’ve lost my best friend. You call me clingy and you think I’m being over-attached and emotional so much of these past weeks but a lot of the times, I just wanted my best friend to talk to. It’s hard enough that you’re my best friend and the person in the world I love the most, but I have to deal with that and I choose to. But when my lover walks out of my life, I know that there’s a reason for that and I know it’s because both of us deserved to be loved more than what we both could give each other, but my best friend doesn’t desert me. He promised me he’d never leave. I remember we made that promise to each other, a year or so ago, we said we’d always be friends, no matter what. I believe in that – and I know you believe in it too. It just feels like right now, only I believe in it and you only believe in it so much.
I miss you John. Those words are so underrated. I miss you so much that it hurts. You tear at every thought, I wonder what you’re doing at every moment, whether it is you’re laughing, or smiling, or raising your eyebrows that I love so much. Are your fingertips touching your arm? Are your hands resting on your legs? I think of you more and more as the night wears on. And I can’t escape from you, I can’t look away and not see you because there are so many pictures laced on my wall of you – I have you right in front of my desk, by my bed, on top of my bookshelf. All the images of you staring back at me smiling, eyes captivating.
Something in my mind screams out to me that I will be happy eventually, that I will find whatever it is out there that I will dedicate my heart and soul to, that I will make it beyond these depths of pain, of heartache, of late night sobbing against my pillow, of memories of you making me happy. If I can overcome the obstacle that was us, the obstacle of you, then I know everything will be all right. I will be all right. Granted it won’t happen overnight but after all these years I think I’m optimistic enough to know that it will happen. And when that day comes, you’ll be right by my side, hugging me, laughing with me, telling me, I told you so.
April
February 24, 2004.
*for clarification, i've used "john" and "april" as names in my writings as far back as i can remember.
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