The Berkeley Diaries
Ask anyone and they’d tell you, I’d be the first person to say “I hate Berkeley” or “Fuck Berkeley”, or “Damn this God-forsaken place to hell”. But now, I sit here, and shake my head in disgust, at my own ignorance, my refusal to see beyond my childish, homesick emotions fresh at eighteen, and wonder, Jesus Christ, where have the past three and a half years gone?
It was my dream to write an entry solely dedicated to what I have learned from my college experience. Honest to God, I dreamed it up as a freshman, a sophomore, a junior, and yes, just three months ago when I was to embark on my final semester –- I thought there was a chance I could have it all figured out…that I would create this eloquent, nostalgic, sentimentally sweet yet objectively thought-provoking blog about what I’ve learned, experienced, loved and lost.
And of course, I don’t have the answers; I never did, and never will. I can’t tell you I know what I’m going to do for the rest of my life. I can’t even say what I’ll be doing six months from now. But what I know is that I like this. And maybe, for the first time in three and a half years, I’ve finally figured at least a tenth of what I desperately seek the answers to: that I don’t want to know, I don’t need to know. Being a person that has to have everything planned out, the next step perfectly mapped and calculated – the girl who revels at being punctual and throws fits when late – I have always believed I needed to know, to just know what I’m doing before I do it.
It’s all a work in progress. I’m liking those three words a lot lately. Three weeks ago I thought I had just thrown my future away, disappointed my parents, let down myself. It pained me to the very depths having to sign that form that cancelled my LSAT score. But now, as I sit in the home I’ve always known, the very house I’ve spent fourteen years of my life in, having completely moved back (with double everything I might add, two blow dryers, two jewelry boxes, hell, even two bottles of febreze), I’m starting to think that canceling that score might have just been some kind of fated turning point.
I do want to be a lawyer, I really do. I think more than anything I want to go back into that room, stare the LSATs down for a few minutes, and wreck havoc on that damned test. I’ll show them, the LSAC, and standardized testing that I won’t let them beat me at their game twice. But there’s so much more I want to do also. And from now on, I just might have time to sort it all out. Scary thing is, sometimes I feel like I may have stumbled upon my niche…that within these past months I’ve realized not only the direction I want my life to take, but where I want to take it.
I’ll let you know when I get there.
Ask anyone and they’d tell you, I’d be the first person to say “I hate Berkeley” or “Fuck Berkeley”, or “Damn this God-forsaken place to hell”. But now, I sit here, and shake my head in disgust, at my own ignorance, my refusal to see beyond my childish, homesick emotions fresh at eighteen, and wonder, Jesus Christ, where have the past three and a half years gone?
It was my dream to write an entry solely dedicated to what I have learned from my college experience. Honest to God, I dreamed it up as a freshman, a sophomore, a junior, and yes, just three months ago when I was to embark on my final semester –- I thought there was a chance I could have it all figured out…that I would create this eloquent, nostalgic, sentimentally sweet yet objectively thought-provoking blog about what I’ve learned, experienced, loved and lost.
And of course, I don’t have the answers; I never did, and never will. I can’t tell you I know what I’m going to do for the rest of my life. I can’t even say what I’ll be doing six months from now. But what I know is that I like this. And maybe, for the first time in three and a half years, I’ve finally figured at least a tenth of what I desperately seek the answers to: that I don’t want to know, I don’t need to know. Being a person that has to have everything planned out, the next step perfectly mapped and calculated – the girl who revels at being punctual and throws fits when late – I have always believed I needed to know, to just know what I’m doing before I do it.
It’s all a work in progress. I’m liking those three words a lot lately. Three weeks ago I thought I had just thrown my future away, disappointed my parents, let down myself. It pained me to the very depths having to sign that form that cancelled my LSAT score. But now, as I sit in the home I’ve always known, the very house I’ve spent fourteen years of my life in, having completely moved back (with double everything I might add, two blow dryers, two jewelry boxes, hell, even two bottles of febreze), I’m starting to think that canceling that score might have just been some kind of fated turning point.
I do want to be a lawyer, I really do. I think more than anything I want to go back into that room, stare the LSATs down for a few minutes, and wreck havoc on that damned test. I’ll show them, the LSAC, and standardized testing that I won’t let them beat me at their game twice. But there’s so much more I want to do also. And from now on, I just might have time to sort it all out. Scary thing is, sometimes I feel like I may have stumbled upon my niche…that within these past months I’ve realized not only the direction I want my life to take, but where I want to take it.
I’ll let you know when I get there.
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