i can't imagine all the people that you know
and the places that you go
when the lights are turned down low
and i don't understand all the things you've seen
but i'm slipping inbetween
you and your big dreams
it's always you
in my big dreams

and you tell me that it's over
wake up lying in a patch of four leaf clovers
and you're restless, and i'm naked
you've gotta get out
you can't stand to see me shaking
no
could you let me go?
i didn't think so

and you don't wanna be here in the future
so you say the present's just a pleasant interruption to the past
and you don't wanna look much closer
cuz you're afraid to find out all this hope
you had sent into the sky by now had crashed
and it did
because of me

and then you bring me home
afraid to find out that you're alone
and i'm sleeping in your living room
but we don't have much room to live

so i finally uploaded pictures from my digital camera to a site that shows them! yay! highlights of my winter break!

christine's birthday - went to cheesecake factory at irvine spectrum, then went back to amc 20 to watch two weeks notice. geez my hair was so short then! apparently my dear friends said i looked like a mom...SIGH.






SD: too bad we couldn't go to tj but it was fun anyway! thanks ang for letting us stay again and zahir...buddy...for your entertainment!












guess who that above is!! just guess!! you the man! hahah i love you, you big monkey! you were so funny!

okay well here are some pics from mammoth. yes yes, my hair makes me look like a guy and yes that is jessica to my right and yes, my dad snowboards and is way cooler than i'll ever be. there you go.









i also changed some pictures on the side. spent a night fiddling with my blog. haha what a lovely way to start my plan of action - i'll read eventually and well yes, i still plan on getting a 3.6 this semester!

right so i should be putting my new plan of action into place by reading for classes but seriously, after one page, i got bored. so wow, y'all can get a fresh new blog from me! OH MAN, it's raining! i just looked out the window and it's raining! i was going to say, it's not too bad this cold weather because i can wear all my winter clothes but NEVERMIND, i hate rain! and i think i told richard it probably wasn't going to rain and poor guy didn't bring an umbrella! i hate sloshing in the rain! there goes my motivation. so onto classes. let's see...

sociology 5 - doesn't seem too bad, no midterm, just papers and schtuff, final. boring as hell topic though.

mass comm 101 - two papers and a take home final. hum. not bad either. teacher's a bit off but oh well.

mass comm 190 - yes ma'am, general retizinger. i still must be crazy because i'm the most excited about this class. (shut up, no, we do not just eat in class, i mean, we actually study agriculture and food culture in the media! stupid christine who thinks i just wanted to take the class because it involved food!)

sociology 110 - freaking 9 am classes MWF again! oh well, no exams here either. prof's a little umm, off too.

i'm still enrolled in my film studies class which was AWFUL. like really really awful. i mean after 5 minutes i wanted to shoot myself. and i thought i might have enjoyed d.w. griffith granted he makes silent movies but i guess i hoped the teacher would be a little more...normal. dude, i think i even liked econ more than that, and THAT'S saying A LOT. need to drop that class.

winter break was GREAT. it's not like i did much, but just being there, seeing people, hanging around talking and bonding - that was what made this break so awesome. i miss everyone already, even the people that go to berkeley because i never see them in berkeley - ahem, joey and helen. hell - i'm glad we did all that we did - those trips to tenren's and life and HANG OUT CAFE for three hours laughing at annie's "cute" fob worker (hello, his hair was like asuka's!). i complain about you, but it's all in the name of love. for reals girl! hahahahLOL. and SD, dude, i love coti's and roberto's and just spending time there. regardless of angela dragging us to her classes, we still managed some fun. playing mash in the middle of her developmental psych class (christine, wanna ride on your new "backmobile"?), watching a certain someone who will remain anonymous till i post pictures get buzzed, shopping, cruising la jolla, awww girls, it was all fun! i'm sorry again you got sick ang, i'm so sorry for that! but hey, umm, you did lose weight! not that you need to, you definitely don't.

i was talking to julie the other day and we both realized that over winter break, we started REGRETTING again. and after a semester of not regretting, i came home, stayed a month in the beautiful SOCAL weather and BATHED in its brilliance and SIGH, regretted giving it up again. visiting chris in LA made me love it all the more and made me think of why i chose otherwise. i was wearing a blouse and jeans on an early january date and i was freaking hot! i saw people wearing halters and shorts and sandals and sunbathing and AWWWW, i wanted to stay in LA forever! seriously, norcal is definitely not for me. i mean, after THIS is done, it's back to LA and dreams of hollywood. but ultimately, i am glad that i will have this experience HERE because i know more how much i love it down south, but grateful for the memories made up HERE. i said it better to annie when we were talking about regretting and decisions and college choices. side note: hope you're having a blast down under - we're all jealous that you can party and play for one more month!

candice - i don't know when and if you'll ever read this but hope you had fun in nicaragua. i mean, that is an experience all in itself! tell me all about it when you have time. it was really GOOD seeing you again, stupid andy cut off all the time we could have spent together. errr, probably my fault more but i'm glad we SHARED what we SHARED. (*wink, wink*) all for you christopher.

one more hour till class again. BRING IT ON!

I hate goodbyes.

Maybe it’s because I’ve never truly had to say goodbye. I’ve never had to move cross country, move to another country; the only time I’ve moved is from Rowland Heights to Diamond Bar when I was four years old. I spent the good years of my childhood, adolescence, and teenage years in Diamond Bar – riding my bike to the liquor store down Pathfinder and eventually attempting to race friends (in a 4runner if you can believe) down Diamond Bar Blvd. So naturally, the first real goodbye I had to say was the goodbye before I left for Berkeley.

It was awful. I couldn’t stop crying, couldn’t stop wishing time had stopped, couldn’t control the influx of pain and heartache that resurfaced every second along the span of the 5 freeway. It was the longest drive of my life and I would never want to relive it, perhaps not even for a grandiose amount of money, the sheer pain of the moment nearly killed every ounce of optimism I had.

Looking back, I think I hated that goodbye because of what it meant. I had to say goodbye to everything I knew, my childhood, the memories left from high school, and the people that have stood by me watching me grow, nurturing me step by step. It was my first goodbye. And firsts are always the hardest.

And since then, it seems my life has been constantly on the run. I can’t even remember a time when I’ve sat, just thinking, reflecting. I don’t remember a moment when I didn’t feel at a standstill. Even a year and a half later from that first goodbye. It’s funny, right before my mass comm final I was talking to my friend Carol online and we both said we wanted to be in the entertainment industry. So she said to me, “maybe we’ll see each other when we grow up” and it got to me. She said “when we grow up”. I made some sarcastic comment about how we’re already grown up but even at that moment, I realized the truth in what she was saying. I’m not grown up. In fact, it hardly seems I’ve grown at all since I was sixteen. I’m just a kid, terrified of her seemingly hopeless future, with big ideas and big dreams of being somebody amidst all the savvy gurus in the entertainment business.

A year ago I bolted out of Berkeley, awarding myself with a five week winter vacation.

Half a year ago I was packed, ready to leave the dorms two days before my last finals. And an hour after my last final, I was on the 5 again. This time, with all my stuff collected from my freshmen year in college packed away in boxes sitting in the backseat of my 4runner, leaving behind a year of adjusting and learning the system; this time, I was going home.

Was it different? Not really.

But nothing ever was like that first goodbye I had to say. In fact, the goodbye said just a mere four months ago wasn’t really a goodbye. It was a “see you soon” type of deal. Because I had already left a huge part of me here, at home, a year before.

This past semester was by far the best semester I’ve had here at Berkeley. And I’m beginning to really see truth in what everyone always said. That it takes a year for Cal to grow on you – you don’t like it so much the first year, but by the end of your junior year, you love it. And I never thought I’d say this, but I’m beginning to really like Berkeley. Despite the many drunkards asking for change, the scariness of walking the dark streets at night, and even the windy rain, it’s not a hellhole anymore. It’s, dare I say, a second home? But the semester was great not just because of my newfound affection for Cal but because people made it great. Because Angela and Julie waltzed into my life and wanted to be my friend, even with my sarcasm and all! Because it feels second nature to hang out with them, because I can make myself at home at their apartment, because they make me laugh, because we have so much fun together, because they’re there, the way true friends are there. Because one afternoon a mere month ago, Angela sat with me for three hours and gave me a reason to smile after my tears watered the lawn at Memorial Glade. Because Bren, Emi, and Eliza live only five minutes away and because my friendship with each and every one of them has grown and gotten deeper since our high school days. Because I can recall memories with each of them from our drama laden days of being sixteen to our live struggles throughout college. Because I’ve met and forged friendships with people in my classes – there is one good thing about attending class! And of course, because I have the best roommates in the world who are there, even at five am making me laugh as my eyes are about to shut down, with the rest of my body mashed into the crack between my bed and the wall since the three of us stubbornly believe we can all fit on my twin.

I haven’t said thank you. So thank you. So so much.

I said goodbye this past week to an amazing semester. And for the first time, I was sad as I left Berkeley. And perhaps, this time, I’ll be slightly more excited to return in January. I think I will be.

i wrote this awhile ago and finally i'm patient enough to post it.

December 26, 2002

I’m bored out of my mind. There is nothing on tv and my laptop does not have internet connection atop this mountain, sadly, without modern technology I’m about to lose my sanity. Okay that was an exaggeration but almost.

Snowboarding is by far the most painful sport I’ve played. I can barely walk because my calves ache like crazy! I think my muscles have completely atrophied or something because it never hurt like this when I was thirteen. But on a good note, I finally landed a jump. Not just landed, but I stuck the landing. Not that I got huge air (Eliza, again, I am not that good) but a good two or three feet. It was a much better show than yesterday when, apparently I was delusional for a few minutes because I attempted to do the half pipe. It was rather embarrassing; not only did I not get any air, but I also fell trying to turn my board halfway up the pipe. I’ll just leave the unbound area for now; I shall stick to the long runs and pathetically jump by myself in the air. But it’s boring snowboarding with my dad since I go with him every year. Y’all better start learning now, strap on your boots and I’ll take you to the top of the mountain because hell, there is no other way to learn but to experience! Haha, I promise guys, I won’t take you down double diamond runs…maybe diamond runs. Worse comes to worse, you can just hop off your boards and walk down. But I have more faith in y’all than that!

It was freaking cold on the mountain today though. Could only go halfway up the full elevation because the wind was too strong; I seriously felt like I was in a snowstorm and I didn’t have a beanie on (because it makes me look retarded) so my ears froze to my head. And I’m tired now, sore, and totally bored out of my mind. I get to catch up on my reading though – I tell you, Atlas Shrugged is totally starting to fall into place and it’s getting really good! I think I’m going to go read more, freaking 500 more pages till the end; this is going to be the longest book I’ve ever read.

at this exact moment:

christine: "i'm so full but i want to eat. i'm gonna chew on a werthers."

so we're in san diego...la jolla, whichever. it's quite a mellow night. i'm freaking tired actually because i was awakened by christine this morning (I KNOW CAN YOU BELIEVE IT) so we could drive down to sd bright and early and get a tenren's before too! and spent like five hours at the mall searching for party tops and piercing chunkster's cartilege - i'm starting to think that only mine hurt like hell. but anyhow.

it's been so long since i've updated this. i actually wrote a blog when i was in mammoth but it's on my laptop and i'm too lazy to transfer it because my laptop doesn't have internet so perhaps you'll never see it at all. not that it was important or anything.

angela and christine are talking about their "favorite" romance novels. I'M GONNA SCREAM. hahah just kidding. okay back to killing time. oh man, i have to sleep soon, gotta go to class with angela tomorrow morning at 9 freaking 30. GRRRRR.