sur·prise; pronunciation key (sr-prz)
tr.v. sur·prised, sur·pris·ing, sur·pris·es

To cause to feel wonder, astonishment, or amazement, as at something unanticipated.

i was pleasantly surprised this evening when i came back from my mid-semester review for psp. i saw this shiny red bag sitting on my desk and this cute card attached to it with my name on it ~ it looked like christine's writing but i had no idea why she would get me something in the middle of march, it's not like she didn't buy me something already for my birthday ~ but i opened the card and she wrote that she just wanted to get us (richard got a shiny red bag too!) little somethings! it was so cute! and sweet! and oh my gosh, everything in the bag was arranged perfectly, neatly, nothing was spilling over, the bag wasn't even dented in!! haha just kidding christine, i know you can be neat and organized when you want to be!

awww but that made my evening!! wait, i forgot to mention the little book she even got me titled "finding mr. right" ~ well hello, obviously in berkeley it isn't an easy task with all the nerds and weirdos! oh, and this cute little cookies in a cute little doggie bag from mrs. fields! but i think one of her underlying intentions is to get me ridiculously even fatter. i mean, there's even a can of pringles - cheeseums to be specific - and we all know pringles are fattening as hell! oh well! it's my shiny red bag and i'm gonna enjoy it!!!

i think i've found meaning. i'm happy.

i've never been so happy to see a B+ in my life. although it seems to be the most frequent grade i receive nowadays, it doesn't evoke any feeling in me. because 1) i deserved less than that or 2) i really just don't care. but today, as my heart pounded out of my chest while my mass comm prof. was handing back essays, i swear i felt beads of sweat ready to drip by the tens off my brow. as she placed it in my hands and i bolted out of the classroom in fear she had given me a D so i couldn't look her in the eye, i quickly flipped to the last page and saw a gleaming 87/B+. god how ironic. it isn't even close to a solid A. but it felt right. for the first time in a long time, i felt as if i deserved it. i worked hard, i sat at my desk for 6 hours into the night, i was frustrated, angry, uninspired.

but it all led to something. and in that paper was a part of me i forged into it that painful night i spent thinking and thinking for explanations and ideas. and it meant something. something really good.

so i guess i'm updating like once a week now. actually, this past week has been insane. i honestly don't think i've worked that hard (shut up, i do work sometimes!) in forever - i had these journals to do for sociology 110 which of course, i procrastinated on till the last minute...and an essay for my mass comm seminar. normally i wouldn't have spent so long rewriting and editing but the teacher's like super hard or something and i want to make a good impression - i think i'll make her write one of my law school recommendations. now that's a scary thought. applying to law school. let's push that to the back of my mind.

a note about the previous blog. some things are not meant to be publically displayed and for that i apologize. there are many things i should have said, should have done, i can only say, in the future, i know better. and one of my "newer friends from psp" thank you. for the sweet comment. i don't know who you are, but when i find out, i'll always remember that.

so this weekend i totally avoided school due to the near burnout the previous week. saturday i dragged quynh to sf - thanks for coming with me again! and umm, bought a new pair of shoes (along with two baby tees). for all of you that don't know my shoe obsession...yeah, that about says it all. but i hadn't been to sf in like three weeks! and i hadn't shopped for like a month! good god, a girl's just gotta shop sometimes! haha, yes.

today psp (well, beta class mostly) went ice skating and my legs are beginning to be really sore! it was so fun though. i thought i'd be freezing but halfway, i didn't even wear my jacket. props to christine though for practically falling into the arms of an old man! the facial expressions on her (and the old man) face was so funny! i'm laughing just thinking about it! and our silly linking arms and skating around the rink singing britney spears' "don't let me be the last to know". i sure do hope that's not on video somewhere. that'd be mortifying!

and then we went to chevy's to eat! i was kinda excited since i hadn't been there before and i wanted to go for so long! the salsa for the chips was really good! i thought the food was decent but the view was really pretty! from most tables you could see the bay and across it and since it was a pretty day, the view was simply gorgeous. in those moments, i like the bay area. in those moments. haha. and then, of course, to my sheer embarrassment (god i hate embarrassment!) someone (i don't know who...dan? nina? someone sitting away from me whom i couldn't see probably) got them to sing happy birthday to me but hey, i got the sombrero! the infamous chevy's sombrero! haha it's a new decoration in my room! and then, while walking out, dan decides to take the balloons tied to the banister to give to me! you guys are too sweet...you did realize that my birthday was a week ago at retreat right?

i can't wait till spring break! i want to go home and eat good food and see my parents and my best friend and my friends that don't go to school up here (we have our plan set christopher!) wow, it's coming up so soon! less than two weeks baby!

it's been a long time since i've written something. actually, i've been pretty busy so it's an excuse - sort of. and i'm writing this blog now because i'm avoiding my sociology journals at all costs! i honestly have no interests in organizations and today was my first appearance in class since last monday. a huge thanks to carol for forging my initials on the roll sheet - i don't expect you to but it's so sweet of you! i feel so bad though, you always go to class and i don't. i'm going to change that!

this past weekend, my pledge class and i went to retreat at lake chabot (i think that's what it's called) in the oakland hills. perhaps i'll post up pictures really soon but let me just say, camping and i do not go together. i am currently fidgiting because i have a mosquito (or whatever since richard said there weren't mosquitos up there) bite on my back and a huge one smack on my forearm. they itch so much! but i had a lot of fun, despite the unbearable cold, the rocks on the ground, the ice cold water in the bathroom sink...it was really something i'll never forget. we did a lot of "teamwork" stuff and honestly, i think with the things we had to do - guys gripping onto girls asses while they do a handstand, cheerleader lifts and so forth - really helped us grow...haha for lack of better words. this isn't one of my insightful blogs, if i even have any! so retreat this weekend, came back sunday afternoon really tired and sore all over, stupid ground.

and thanks to everyone that came friday! i had fun! sorry i disappointed y'all but seriously, i don't like to drink to get drunk. i'm just not an alcohol person. i turn red as a tomato and i have the tolerance of a snail or something. while i'm at the thanks - thanks to everyone who sent me cards and called and tried to IM me but i wasn't online (sorry jenn and candice), now you know where i was. my big, alex for driving all the way up to the campsite to bring us duraflame logs and sing happy birthday to me and give me flowers (that he made!) and chocolate (thanks for making me even fatter). and christopher - for the beautiful bouquet of asiatic lilies. flowers definitely do brighten up a room.

now that i've wasted enough time.

so i've been feeling pretty estranged lately. to say the least. (this is a continuation of my previous blog) i guess i just don't feel like i fit into the flow of things right now. i'm ridiculously busy most of the time but in the moments when i'm in my apartment along with my two roommates, i feel as if i'm still in an apartment by myself. (and now i'm just going to ramble, these are my feelings, yes i know i'm publicizing them to the entire world but at this moment i don't care, i'm going to care later but that i'll deal with when the time comes) sometimes it just feels like i'm a ghost living in 505. i have my room down the hall - which used to be the site of our late night conversations but now it's just a room down the hall. i'm not saying it's not okay for my roommates to talk without me but it almost feels like when they talk in front of me, i'm not even there. and when they walk, they walk five steps ahead of me. they walk, push and shove and i feel as if they don't notice me, the ghost down the hall, walking in back of them. like they have their bubble and i'm just not a part of it. and a lot of the times i am busy, writing or on the phone, but it seems like there are a lot more times when i'm not particularly busy and get left out. so i figured it was just me, being an only child and wanting all the attention, so i ignored it for a week or so. but it's just been getting progressively worse and i'm starting to feel that it's more than just me craving attention, it's me...hurting. then there are those times i just want to disappear. because then it wouldn't hurt like this. they have their own inside jokes, they have their laughter. they have their games - one has something about a sweater in his/her profile and i have no idea what all that excitement is about. and when i re-enter the apartment, i get a head nod. when others re-enter, they get laughter. greeting. excitement. happiness. i feel as if i'm just down the hall, away from things. apart from everything. floating further and further away of something i cherish, love, care about to the depths within me.

oh jesus. i will regret that. but for now. onto journals.