so about my week.

first i'd like to thank christopher for driving down with me and keeping me company all along the 5 and for falling asleep for only 10 min (perhaps because when he was asleep i sang at the top of my lungs to wake him up haha). i had fun taking you around for the two days or so! we seriously shopped for two days and i discovered (i don't know WHY just now) the fabulous beverly center with just about everything i need! macy's, bloomingdales, diesel, fcuk, A|X, etc. etc. and chris and i pretended to be trendy west hollywooders by eating at the "ultra trendy urth caffe on melrose" god i watch too many celebrity specials.

after chris left i immediately left for SD with hel -- as usual. and the same amount of fun along with it - accompanying angela to her classes (which weren't so bad this time around probably because she didn't drag us to MATH), eating, smoking hookah, more eating. and because we're so cool helen and i read all the ads in the newspaper while angela and her friends drank and played cards. i've never been one to really drink in front of complete strangers anyway, something about losing control and you know how i hate not having control over EVERY LITTLE DETAIL in my life. anal. yes. only child syndrome, yeah yeah yeah.

so we took angela home on friday, angela and i watched lots of movies, tv, ate, shopped, ate some more till annie came home -- i lived and breathed that girl this entire weekend, and annie and alison for the other half of it. good times. i am reminded why i love home so much, because the people that have the ability to make me myself again are always here to keep me company.

i cannot forget my girls up in berkeley though. talking to lisa online these past few days made me realize just how much i love berkeley because of her, amy, jihye, and christine. i miss you girls. have tons of fun working, in summer school, with your respective boy toys -- don't forget about good ol' donkey down south!

** amy, i owe you the WORLD for cleaning our shitty apartment. you are THE BEST POOPY ever.

it's summer, i have no papers to write, no chinese characters to memorize, no theories to analyze -- so i write.

i left it unfinished, i guess because i really couldn't find the right way to end it, and partly because, in some strange way, i feel as if there is no sufficient ending.

***************

I desperately dug into my purse searching for something that could be a distraction. Don’t I always carry gum? My cell phone? Did I leave that in the car? I fumbled around with my keys for a bit, ran my fingers across the leather of my wallet. Coins? What would I be doing with coins?

He spoke softly, hesitating, “Do you need something?”

I shook my head quickly and kept my eyes away from his. One look, once glace up, I knew the tears were going to fall. I settled for the cigarettes, I knew he hated them, but who was he to judge me. I flipped open my zippo, lit a cigarette and continued to stare away.

A double martini would do the trick.

“I didn’t … look, I’m not telling you this to hurt you. I just … thought you should be the first to know. C’mon, we could tell each other everything. It’s been awhile…” he trailed off.

I puffed at the cigarette, not caring I was blowing smoke directly towards him. I recalled the days he’d lecture me, the moment I hugged him and threw my remaining cigarettes into the toilet, the smile stretched on his face when I told him I’d quit.

Does it ever get easier? For all these weeks when he’d call, tell me about some hot girl he met at some dinner, the cute bartender that gave him a free drink, the blond with whom he went on one date with – was I pretending? Did my heart stop the moment he started talking about another girl only to shut out the feelings of heartache, jealousy, and rage? It never seemed to matter. His tone of voice didn’t change when his voice was on the other line. He still spoke in a husky whisper before bidding me goodnight, sweet dreams, I love you sweetie.

He had it easy. He had his boyish good looks, his well-defined muscles, his charisma, his deep brown eyes and the way they’d penetrate the darkest interiors of the soul. He made everyone feel special with his easy-going nature. I knew he could turn heads and that was part of his appeal – I had the man everyone wanted, fantasized about. He was mine, he loved me, he fucked me, he wined and dined me, bought me diamonds, un-broke my heart.

There was silence. I pulled out another cigarette.

“Hey…”, he started. I looked at him, the anger, hurt in my eyes. He blinked, “Can you not smoke another? When did you start again anyway?”

I wanted to tear his head off, put out my cigarette on his perfectly sculpted lips. “When you fucking broke my heart.”

“It’s not like that and you know it.”

“Then what was it like?”

“You didn’t want me. You pushed me away. All last year, do you remember? You were fast forwarding through your life, you complained I was too stagnant, you wanted to see the world, you thought I was holding you back, you wanted to get away, far, far away, into a small little haven where I did not belong. Don’t you fucking remember that?”

I did. I remembered. “I never told you to leave. I still loved you. So much. I wanted you away, yes, but I couldn’t get you away. You were too big a part of my life and I realized that I needed you in it. I wanted you – you to be a part of all my dreams, endeavors, and even my mistakes. But the moment I realized that – is the moment you pulled away – the moment y-o-u pulled away, do you fucking remember that?”

We both sat back in our chairs, watching the cars pass by on Melrose. I remembered all the times we’d come here – for an afternoon tea, for chai lattes, for their delicious argula salad topped with fresh pears. We were never angry here, we were never fighting – we laughed as the sun set, kissed each other under the morning breeze, snuggled up close to one another under the heat lamps at night.

Maybe I could never have him back, but I could have this. I could have our memories, our reveries in this café, the hopes I used to have, and the dreams he used to give me. My memories of yesterday for the pain of today. I wasn’t ready. Could I ever be? I sure as hell hope so.

arggg why won't chris wake up?! i've already brought out bags from my car, sorted through them, watched the practice, had my morning coffee, and it's now NOON and he's STILL NOT UP. i utterly HATE waking people up -- now i just might have to because he's going to sleep through the entire day!

i just don't want to barge in and see something i don't want to. you know how boys are. hahahaha CHRIS WAKE UP NOW.

it's been three years already. it's almost hard to believe.

thanks for the memories, i'll be back in august for my final semester. =(

*i'm still thinking -- huge mistake*

i'm contemplating cleaning my room, packing, organizing. oh did i mention i have a final at 5 today? i studied for a total of 15 minutes. whoopie.

because jihye said it so well

Auto response from GrL TaHk: i had one of those dinners tonight that confirmed my belief that the combination of good food and good company is like wearing three layers in winter... they both make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside :-D

i don't want to study so i'm posting pictures


don't we match so well?

spring banquet

christine & i celebrating angela's b-day/graduation @ ozumo's

the girls @ bubble lounge

this is why i love LA so much

chris & i at santa monica

like i said, instead of studying, we went sailing

the sunset off newport harbor

so amy had a cocktail and thought the lamp behind her was the SUNSET. she wanted me to take a picture of her, contemplating as the sun fades away.

oh i love finals.

i knew there was no point to lugging ALL my books for my last final home.

wednesday: after my interview, drove a surprisingly short 5 minutes to christopher's apartment and headed over to paco's tacos on centinela (flashback, remember the scene in jerry maguire where they go on their first date? that was the taco place i believe, excellent burritos and mango margaritas). so i had my margarita, i mean, it tasted so good, what harm could it do? ah, fast forward to 30 minutes later and the fucking huge UCLA campus with their parking structures at the edge of every corner. i mean, i was climbing steps in the pounding heat, my vision was getting blurry, i was short of breath, dude i don't think tequila is the right drink for me. to make it short, i called amy, managed to hike my way to the sculpture garden near where chris had class, fell asleep under some gorgeous trees, woke up to annie's phone call, met chris after his class, watched kill bill vol. 1, went to third street, walked to the beach, saw remnants of the sunset along the horizon, went to tommy's to eat an amazingly fattening chili cheese fries, saw kill bill vol. 2 (i thought i'd hate it, but i absolutely LOVED every minute, even the gory scenes), and managed to get a fucking speeding ticket on my drive home.

thursday: i went to the beach with my dad. he's a cool guy. he swam, i tanned, i'm 1/10 on my way.

friday: what can i say? helen insisted we go to the UCI library to study and you know how i hate libraries. so we got talked into going sailing. yes SAILING. and i must admit, despite the motion sickness (i think i'm still feeling the rocking of the waves in the damn ocean), it was fabulous. the sun, the wind, the fucking ridiculously rich and gorgeous balboa harbor-front property - i'll show pictures soon.

saturday: went to the mall with my mom, fixed lunch, lounged around, went to dinner with my parents, met with jess. we always end up going to every place imaginable in rowland heights before reaching back where we started from, i swear. but i still love it nevertheless.

and now, i'm exhausted. i usually don't ramble about my day but i had such an ecclectic mix of days i had to jot it down for my own memory. so now it's back to berkeley, i must take a final.

don’t come any closer, don’t, you just might break my heart all over again, but I let you do it, over and over, again and again, why, am I a masochist, do I long for your pain, I am strong, I can withstand your beautiful brown eyes, the perfect wisps of your hair, the citrus soapy scent you always carry, your eyelashes, the way they line the almond shape of your eyes, the dimple on your left side, get your hands off of me, I don’t want you, can’t you see I don’t want you, you don’t know, how can you ever know, how much you’ve hurt me, you’re selfish, you think I want you, god, you know I want you, but I can’t, I won’t, don’t come any closer, nails down my spine, you make my knees weak, the smoothness of your fingers gliding across my bare neck, your perfect lips, shades of pink interlaced with ardent passion, no, don’t do this, don’t come any closer – don’t, whispers, the heat, short of breath – don’t, do you not understand, I can’t have my heart broken anymore – don’t come any closer … don’t.

it's because

in those most insignificant moments he notices the crease in your brow as you laugh, he holds you so tightly when you sleep, so tight that it's sometimes suffocating, but intoxicating, like a deep breath on top of a steep hill overlooking the bay, tells you his dreams the very moment you wake, kisses the sweet spot right between your neck and collarbone, sending shivers down your spine, like experiencing a rollercoaster ride for the very first time.

it's like

falling, the whole world is behind you, you don't care, falling, into an abyss? it doesn't matter as long as he's there to engulf you into his warm arms in the end, careless whispers in the dark, rhythms on the soul.

it's for

those who have fallen. those who have ached. those who are in the midst of an everlasting love. those who know the pain of heartache, the bittersweet yearning for yesterday and the strength it takes to walk away. those who love, have loved, long to love, will love.

oh my god i'm going to have such a blast this summer. (yes, even studying for LSATs, i'm going to make THAT even a blast, that's how much fun i anticipate)

it's midnight and my chinese written final is in eleven hours. i got tired after trying to memorize characters for thirty minutes and sadly, i think i memorized like three words. well at least i'll know those! i'm having one of those moments, one of those ohnoithinkimadeahugemistake moments, not like oh no, that shirt color is hideous and i have to return it immediately moments, but whatamidoing moments. i was sitting in my last sociological theory lecture and i had this fleeting - well it wasn't fleeting, but lingering moments where i thought, oh my god i want a PHD and i want a PHD in sociology (jihye, amy, and lisa can find humor in this). i'm going in circles. anyway. PHD in sociology, i-made-a-huge-mistake i think i shouldn't be graduating next semester, i-made-a-huge-mistake why am i majoring in mass comm, i have to get my graduation gown because lisa didn't (grrr), i have to memorize my chinese skit, prepare for my oral final in theory, and did i mention, study some more for my chinese final tomorrow before i fail the first language i learned how to speak?

the questions the questions. but yet, the answers rarely seem to come in time.

it's a surprise i don't have an eating disorder

so i emailed my mom and dad a picture that my chinese class took with our teacher because i thought my mom might get a kick out of seeing who was teaching me such proper chinese and this is what i get:

I was shocked when I saw the first picture and was looking for you. I thought the most left one girl, she looks sort of fat, is you. I said oh my goodness because I don't want you to be FAT. All these years my inner wish is to see you become slim, though not like me (because I got small frame) but at least not being wrapped with that much meat. Finally, I got a relief looking at the wrong person!! You look still the same as what I saw last time - not fat not slim, better not become big. Sorry, this is all mom's subject. Show me more pictures.

i guess my dad's not the only one who writes hilarious emails to me.

dear wells fargo card services, inc.

i wish you would please grant me a $5000 advance paid-in-full because there are these absolutely gorgeous manolo blahnik stilettos i must have to match the even more fabulous BCBG dress topped off with the most adorable louis vuitton clutch.

come to think of it, $20,000 sounds better. harry winston is calling my name.

sincerely

erika shao, a loyal customer.