And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes;
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate;
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

t.s. eliot: "the love song of j alfred prufrock"

is definitely by far one of my favorite poems ever. because whenever i decide to read it again, it always pesters me with the question, "will there be time for me?" time for me to figure out what i need, what i want, what i adore, what i need to feel over and over again at the silent murmurs of each and every day to remind me of my sanity. time for me to drop down on my knees and hold out my soul only to have it shattered. time to get my heart broken. time to drink success. time to taste bitter failure. time for me to understand what it is that keeps me going every day, time for me to order a cafe americano instead of a vanilla latte. time for me to buy my parents a winter house in mammoth. time for me to make my own money, do something i completely love, live with the best friends in the entire world, enjoy the life i create. time for me to fall in and out of love, let the magical swirls of infatuation and obsession capture my heart, and the beauty of being entangled in my lover's arms overwhelm me.

And indeed there will be time
To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”

Do I dare
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

living in berkeley you get pretty used to hearing "spare any change" from alcohol reeking bums dying for another drink. but tonight when christine and i were walking back from blockbuster i saw a middle-aged woman sitting in front of the movie theatre holding out her white coffee cup, silent as the night. and before i could think twice, i had passed her but for the rest of the walk home i could not stop regretting. i should have ran back and emptied out my pockets because only rarely do such things hit my heart and pound on it screaming for me to take action.

i'm so ready to go home. 12 more days!!!

i've realized that when you're sad, you tend to notice more the things going on around you. and in most part, you seem to notice all the happiness that is occurring at every minute, every second. i forgot my ID card so i opted to walk to evans and with each turn and every passing, i saw people laughing, smiling, grinning. the couple under the tree on memorial glade, the guy stroking the girl's hair, the sparkle of happiness in both their eyes. the guy with the green polo talking on his cell phone. the enthusiam in his voice as he talked proudly about the new internship opportunity he had. and i walked...slowly along the tree lined paths. alone. immersed in my own thoughts. watching everyone's joy unfold in front of my eyes.

and she wonders why she can't experience all this bliss.

it took me 45 minutes to realize that my mass comm professor was saying "agenda settings" instead of gender studies. no wonder nothing she said pertained to gender. i was beginning to wonder if she got the lecture messed up when she wrote agenda on the board. now half my notes say "gender studies".

because i was reading christine's () blog, i started to think of high school. and how much i miss it. it was so pointless, so useless, so utterly fun. thinking back, i wonder how i ever did get myself to wake up at 6 every morning solely to park my car in the senior lot by 6:30 when class didn't even start till 7:25. but i still miss it. i even miss having to stay on campus from 6 till 6, something i could never accomplish at berkeley. and i've lost my train of thought but i think i was going to say something about alison, otherwise, my almost younger sister who is about to attend her first dance in high school. it's great. experience it completely because it only comes once - the serious prepping, the constant hair spraying and make-up reapplying. dancing the night away without having to worry about anything except whether or not your hair is still in place, your mascara smearing, your lipstick playing havoc on your teeth. the once dance in high school i never attended was homecoming and i still always wish i had. i don't know why but somehow, homecoming, sadies, and prom just seem to complete the high school puzzle of dances and of the common high school talk (remember homecoming? my sadies date was soooooo creepy! senior prom was the best time i've ever had!). alison, i don't even know if you read this, but have fun. it'll be a night to remember. you'll be beautiful. (not that you aren't...) my kid sis is growing up so fast. haha. yeah.

because she's been pestering, a post dedicated to my favorite roommate (ahem, sense the sarcasm?):

HAHAHAH. hmm, i'm so proud of you that you woke up to attend BA this morning and finally got a glimpse of good ol' cristina banks who is by far, the most monotonous and boring professor i've come upon at berkeley! yes i do want west coast pizza as well, the chicken pesto was quite good =) and when my brain starts functioning, i shall write more. but for now, it's off to the kitchen to make dinner! i swear, when i'm reading or something, i think of cooking and look at the time and happily run into the kitchen! is that dorky? or housewifey??

hey eliza, i love that song!! our lady peace's "life"! rock on buddy!!! i'm also quite partial to "thief", actually i just like them! okay you know what? i really need to go see an affair to remember because i come across so many references to it!

i've realized that fob movies (this includes chinese, japanese, and korean) can bring me closer to tears than american (or anglo-saxon, rather) movies can. this doesn't mean i'm morphing into a fob now, does it?

he never ceases to make me smile.

he's smart. incredibly smart. hard working. insanely diligent. he attends class regularly not just because he needs to, but because he knows it's important and interesting. he's a walking banana republic advertisement. he has a great sense of fashion, much more than you'd expect from a guy. he knows the difference between casual and dress, flared and bootcut, classy and sexy.

he can cook, fairly decently. he cleans: scrubs the bathroom mirror, vacuums, wipes the oil off the stove. he reads newspapers. time and newsweek. checks cnn.com everyday. reports to you the latest news, whether it is bush's take on iraq or scientists' mass producing anti-matter.

he watches out for you. holds you back from crossing the street when it's red. doesn't release his grip until you're safely across. calls you to "check up" on you when you're out. he listens. whether it is about your menstrual cramps (hah!) or the existence of true love. he'll talk to you for hours, giving you a slight glance at the inner linings of his thought process and emotions. he's caring, considerate, compassionate.

he makes me laugh. and thinking about it, it makes me smile.

and no (definitely no) he is not my boyfriend. although i can attest that he'll make some girl damn happy one day.

adorned with a sketch pencil in hand
i watched her draw
transforming lines and shades into
something so immaculate
stunning, complex, and
utterly gorgeous.

i admire the architects in my environmental design class. to have the gift to draw and compose forms of shape and structure is beyond anything i ever could imagine. sometimes i wish to be them. those damn architects. the henry roarks, peter keatings, and dominique francons.

"it's no use wasting what you've got on an ideal that you'll never reach, that they'll never let you reach. it's no use, taking that marvelous thing that you have and making a torture rack for yourself out of it."

ayn rand. the fountainhead.

i had a really good time this weekend, better than any other since i've been back at berkeley - thanks to jenn and zahir for visiting (you guys are awesome) and a bunch of high school friends that still mean the world to me.

boudin cafe on market street. jenn taking the last bowl of clam chowder. shopping along union square. the new union square. powell & mason - cable car of course. zahir screaming ludicrous comments as the cable car approached california st (and continuously). italian district - tiramisu that melts in your mouth. (at this point, i don't even know if it's proper to mention joey's enthusiastic coercing of everyone to do 'pelvic thrusts') soliciting at the edge of the bart station at powell street. richard's culture shock of seeing some forty-year-old man groping a younger woman against the ticket machine in the bart station.

i should make a habit to say it more often, and for that matter, show it more often. this past weekend was great. not just the activities and the hilarious actions of certain people, but the catching up, and the talks that matter just as much, if not more. thanks guys (or shall i say ya'll - i don't even know how to spell it properly - like christine does), i care about each and every one of you, in your own special way.

i can't think of the exact phrases i want to say right now; perhaps because i just came back from my business administration midterm, which i didn't exactly do stellar on and my brain is already sore from thinking. how sad that would be if my brain could only take so much.

okay, time to eat something before i have class again.

i have to post in order to see my changes, so this is a waste of space, i know, but hey, now you guys can comment!

YAY! i actually got it to work! now let me see if i can get it to look the way i want it to.

i need to study, and write a paper. but i'm too busy trying to install this comment tag on my blog. i'm so not computer literate i'm causing myself a migrane.

so i turned on the lights we have in our living room last night, one of which just happens to be placed smack against richard's blankie (on his bunk bed), and low and behold, his blankie just happens to umm, burn. yes, it's brown and there is a crisp, newly made hole through his new blanket. and richie tapes it back together. what have i done??!! i pulled a christine!!! and richie was so sweet about it at first, he was like, "it's all good" and then, as if i were never going to read it, he puts in his profile, "so two weeks into the apt and my blankie is already deep fried". well you didn't have to be sweet about it at first then!!

since christine (i said your name!) dedicated a post to me, i guess i shall dedicate one to her (in the remaining minutes i have before my mass communications class). in short: rich and i have won the bet, i'll bet you a gelato that you won't wake up for your mass comm class tomorrow, please don't ever cook spinach again, and hang in there - price charming with all his endless wonder will step in one day, hold out three roses, two white, one red (past, present, red for the future) and whisper in your ear, "for every tomorrow i bring you a yesterday of memories, each one better than the last". you'll see, he'll come.

"education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance" -will durant

aZnHeRc: i found out how to get music
aZnHeRc: hehe
AgentEeyore: oh really??
AgentEeyore: how??
aZnHeRc: christine told me to dl winmx
aZnHeRc: it's like ghetto kazaa
AgentEeyore: hmm how does winmix work? haha
aZnHeRc: same thing
AgentEeyore: does it mean it might not have things im looking for?
aZnHeRc: it's just like kazaa
AgentEeyore: ohhh okay
aZnHeRc: uhhhhh
AgentEeyore: do you have the site?
aZnHeRc: it has a lot of music
aZnHeRc: i think
aZnHeRc: nope
aZnHeRc: just look for it
AgentEeyore: GRRRRR
AgentEeyore: hahah FINE
aZnHeRc: on yahoo or something
aZnHeRc: hahahah
AgentEeyore: notice how we're so lazy
AgentEeyore: to just shout or walk
aZnHeRc: yes yes

the sign that computers are dominating our world: when roommates separated by a hallway twenty or so feet apart resort to talking on AIM instead of just shouting or walking over to one another.