i've always been the kind of person who does what she wants to do, regardless of what others say, despite the negative opinions of many. so i did it. i talked about it, ever since i came to berkeley, years after years. it wasn't that different really. i mean, i could eat, but i couldn't like eat you know. and yes it swelled. so much it touched the roof of my mouth. and it distracted me. i'd play with it in class, in the car, sitting at my desk.

there are things i will remember. how i attempted to eat mango sticky rice with amy at cha'am two hours after. the late run to safeway after for apple sauce, chicken noodle soup, and yogurt. the way chris propositioned me. how he demanded i'd give him -- well, let's not get into that. korean food the day after, soft tofu soup. the way my dad reacted when i first told him. the look on my ten-year-old cousin's face when i accidentally showed her.

it was a quick month and a half. i thought i'd care to have it in longer. but now, as my mom demands and basically threatens that i take it out -- i've realized, it doesn't mean that much to me. i used to argue, but i mean, when it comes down to it, moms are moms, and they won't be happy unless it's their way.

i don't need the validation. the shocks. the sideways glances. i thought it would justify my having to always do somethiing different, needing that feeling of rebelliousness, even for just a second. honestly, can kissing be that much better with it anyway? i liked it without it already, i'm sure i can make do. it all seems to be more a hassle, really. an extra thing that just sits there, in the way. i think i like the tongue, unmarred, unbothered by two balls sticking out of each end.

and so i dedicate this entry to my tongue ring. because i need to remember it, even in the short time it existed in my mouth. it has been fun. i'll always remember the end of my college experience with you. and thank you i guess. because i never thought i'd actually go through with it and pierce my tongue. but i did. and what a great rush that was.

The Berkeley Diaries

Ask anyone and they’d tell you, I’d be the first person to say “I hate Berkeley” or “Fuck Berkeley”, or “Damn this God-forsaken place to hell”. But now, I sit here, and shake my head in disgust, at my own ignorance, my refusal to see beyond my childish, homesick emotions fresh at eighteen, and wonder, Jesus Christ, where have the past three and a half years gone?

It was my dream to write an entry solely dedicated to what I have learned from my college experience. Honest to God, I dreamed it up as a freshman, a sophomore, a junior, and yes, just three months ago when I was to embark on my final semester –- I thought there was a chance I could have it all figured out…that I would create this eloquent, nostalgic, sentimentally sweet yet objectively thought-provoking blog about what I’ve learned, experienced, loved and lost.

And of course, I don’t have the answers; I never did, and never will. I can’t tell you I know what I’m going to do for the rest of my life. I can’t even say what I’ll be doing six months from now. But what I know is that I like this. And maybe, for the first time in three and a half years, I’ve finally figured at least a tenth of what I desperately seek the answers to: that I don’t want to know, I don’t need to know. Being a person that has to have everything planned out, the next step perfectly mapped and calculated – the girl who revels at being punctual and throws fits when late – I have always believed I needed to know, to just know what I’m doing before I do it.

It’s all a work in progress. I’m liking those three words a lot lately. Three weeks ago I thought I had just thrown my future away, disappointed my parents, let down myself. It pained me to the very depths having to sign that form that cancelled my LSAT score. But now, as I sit in the home I’ve always known, the very house I’ve spent fourteen years of my life in, having completely moved back (with double everything I might add, two blow dryers, two jewelry boxes, hell, even two bottles of febreze), I’m starting to think that canceling that score might have just been some kind of fated turning point.

I do want to be a lawyer, I really do. I think more than anything I want to go back into that room, stare the LSATs down for a few minutes, and wreck havoc on that damned test. I’ll show them, the LSAC, and standardized testing that I won’t let them beat me at their game twice. But there’s so much more I want to do also. And from now on, I just might have time to sort it all out. Scary thing is, sometimes I feel like I may have stumbled upon my niche…that within these past months I’ve realized not only the direction I want my life to take, but where I want to take it.

I’ll let you know when I get there.

in 4 hours, i will no longer be an undergraduate. damn. where did the years go?

saying goodbye is harder than i thought. this is more real than i could ever imagine it. leaving berkeley wasn't supposed to be this sad. closing a chapter of my life couldn't be any harder.

for all the times i've complained, i've kicked and screamed, i've cursed and damned it to hell, i didn't mean it. you'll always have a special place in my heart. and i'll never forget all that we've shared. all the memories i have with you in the center of it.

here's to you, berkeley. the past three and a half years. a part of me forever. for all you've taught me, and for all that i have yet to learn.

i'm going to miss you. i hope you know that.

it wasn't supposed to be this way.

it was supposed to be celebration, champagne and balloons, freedom, a huge sigh of relief.

it was supposed to be the end of the road, the beginning of another, the journey ahead of me, one obstacle done with.

it wasn't supposed to be contain tears, tears flowing so quickly not even the sad droplets of rain hitting the windshield of my mom's honda accord on the 57 north could catch up with.

it wasn't supposed to be disappointment, so hollow in the midst of recycled air.

if i craved spontaniety, then this wasn't supposed to be my version of it.

-----

because of larry: for "catharsis", and for giving me one of the best compliments to date.

advice of the day

CP2: hey erika, are you ready for the LSATs?
SCREWED ME: no. not even close.
CP2: awww...well i mean look at it this way. if you don't end up liking your score, it probably wasn't meant to be. besides, you'll probably make more money doing PR for celebrities anyway!