because i know everyone loves my dad

As I said, the only place we can afford is Mammoth; Hawaii is always in my dream, I'd like a family vacation in Hawaii, but no $$. If you going to NY this summer, how do you expect we all going somewhere else? Our trees doesn't grow money, dude. Bye.

on a friday night, three girls and two boys headed to watch (gasp) 13 going on 30! i think it's definitely a sign when the last two movies i've seen in theatres have been the former and the prince and me. not to mention that mean girls opens next week. wow i'm so cool. so because of that, i'm inspired.

when i'm 30 i will have:

partied in amsterdam, stolen a kiss under the vatican, come face to face with mona lisa, sealed a business deal on a yacht in the mediterranean, sipped martinis on the coast of sicily, hiked the great wall, eaten everything and anything in hong kong, bought my grandmother the most beautiful ruby ring because she loves the deep red of ruby, taken my dad heliboarding in british columbia, rented a ferrari for a day, walked the red carpet, been published in the los angeles times, attended a new york city fashion show, shared a banana split amidst the rain on a winter's day in chicago, two BA's, an MA, and a JD, driven a moped along the cobblestone streets of rome, stood at the very top of the eiffel tower, felt the lingering pain of heartache, disappointment, immense joy, sorrow, faced fears, waltzed with a gorgeous man in the palace, skinny dipped in thailand, fallen down only to get up again and live - all this, and so much more.

hustlers grab your guns
your shadow weighs a ton
driving down the 101
california here we come
right back where we started from

summer in LA. i'm so sick of school i can't wait.

oh and LSAT prep in LA. i almost forgot. blah.

John:

I’ve known all this time that we were wrong for each other. I can’t make you happy the way you want to be happy and you can’t make me happy the way I want to be happy. But the thing that messes it all up is that we make each other happy just by being together. I am happy simply being with you and you know what, I think you’re happy being with me too. You said ironically that it was me all along who ultimately helped you get past being in love with me for this long but when it comes to me getting over being in love with you, I want you to be there for me. Somehow I know that with your presence, with your support, your everlasting friendship, we can do this because I know I put you through hell and I know you gave up so many things for me but look where we’ve become. You’re happy, aren’t you? You’ve got great friends, a good social life, you’re having fun and though there were rocky times, there are better times ahead.

I honestly feel like I’ve lost my best friend. You call me clingy and you think I’m being over-attached and emotional so much of these past weeks but a lot of the times, I just wanted my best friend to talk to. It’s hard enough that you’re my best friend and the person in the world I love the most, but I have to deal with that and I choose to. But when my lover walks out of my life, I know that there’s a reason for that and I know it’s because both of us deserved to be loved more than what we both could give each other, but my best friend doesn’t desert me. He promised me he’d never leave. I remember we made that promise to each other, a year or so ago, we said we’d always be friends, no matter what. I believe in that – and I know you believe in it too. It just feels like right now, only I believe in it and you only believe in it so much.

I miss you John. Those words are so underrated. I miss you so much that it hurts. You tear at every thought, I wonder what you’re doing at every moment, whether it is you’re laughing, or smiling, or raising your eyebrows that I love so much. Are your fingertips touching your arm? Are your hands resting on your legs? I think of you more and more as the night wears on. And I can’t escape from you, I can’t look away and not see you because there are so many pictures laced on my wall of you – I have you right in front of my desk, by my bed, on top of my bookshelf. All the images of you staring back at me smiling, eyes captivating.

Something in my mind screams out to me that I will be happy eventually, that I will find whatever it is out there that I will dedicate my heart and soul to, that I will make it beyond these depths of pain, of heartache, of late night sobbing against my pillow, of memories of you making me happy. If I can overcome the obstacle that was us, the obstacle of you, then I know everything will be all right. I will be all right. Granted it won’t happen overnight but after all these years I think I’m optimistic enough to know that it will happen. And when that day comes, you’ll be right by my side, hugging me, laughing with me, telling me, I told you so.

April

February 24, 2004.


*for clarification, i've used "john" and "april" as names in my writings as far back as i can remember.

________: when i got back from the bathroom, the lights in my room were off and he was in my bed
________: it's like, "WHAT DID I JUST TALK TO YOU ABOUT 3 HOURS AGO??? why are you here again?!?!?"
________: he KNOWS i can't say no, which puts me at a huge disadvantage
________: cuz i'm giving him so much power to hurt me in th eend
Agent Eeyore: DAMN THATS SO BLATANT
Agent Eeyore: just lying in your bed
Agent Eeyore: DAMNNNNNNNNNN
________: yes, pretty fucking ridiuclous
________: pretty fucking confident
________: ahha
Agent Eeyore: seems like the only way to go is to just try to avoid him
Agent Eeyore: yeah but you know
Agent Eeyore: the confidence
Agent Eeyore: can be so damn sexy

oh my god i need to go to stanford. haha i just totally exposed who that was. oh well. she's getting action and i'm not. it's a fair exchange.

regarding the midterm i was complaining about in the previous post

Thought you should all know, heading into the weekend, that I WILL be scaling the first three
parts of the midterm, as clearly the test proved too hard. We will talk about this on Tuesday,
though, since I do not feel it should have been hard, and some of the questions that were answered
poorly represent things discussed not only in class, but in BOTH books. In short, I'm not
wonderfully happy about the class' achievement.

i sense anger, bitterness, and sheer disgust in my professor's tone. oh well, maybe i'll get myself a B if i'm lucky! i've never anticipated a B so badly. sigh.

the last class i have to take to finish my mass comm major just has to be the hardest one. i'm so unprepared for my midterm tomorrow and now i just completely lack the motivation to cram for it.

SAVE ME, oh GODS of MASS COMM ~

life sometimes doesn't stop

everytime i step into the student store lately (because i want a tangible fall schedule of classes damnit i'm not satisfied with just looking it up online!) i'm inundated with all the graduation info that they have set smack into the center of the store. and i glance at it, pass by it, and leave, but yet the remnants of just how damn scary graduation is never escapes me.

high school graduation was bittersweet. it was never this hard. after high school you go to college. after college, i don't know where the fuck i'm going. and i hate that. i'm the kind of person that needs to know. i hate to say it but before, at least i knew i was going to a college, if not the college i wanted. where am i going now? law school? grad school? flipping burgers at mcdonalds? i can't help but feel i ruined my entire career these past three years. but when i search my mind to do it all over again, i can't figure out if i'd be happy doing it any other way.

it all boils down to this: fear. i'm just scared out of my mind. and you'd think this fear would motivate me. but yet, i've never quite been one to be diligent. i just don't think it's in my blood. blame my dad. so i sit here and find excuses not to study. somehow i think i need to shape up before law school.