i miss writing. i remember a time when words used to just flow into my head and i'd have to rush to open up word or grab a pencil to jot down the exact phrase i just coined. i never thought twice about what i had to say, regardless of its importance, or its absurdity. i just wrote.

nowadays i catch myself thinking and analyzing every thought i want to jot down - to the point where i find no significance in writing it anymore. and i'm angry at myself, my mind, my cynicism and i miss the way my idealism used to conquer everything in my head.

wow, it's really been a week since i've blogged? damn time passes quickly and to my great sadness, my summer is almost over! random thought - it's funny to see a saying your ex-boyfriend said pasted in a friend's profile (i'm not hurt or anything jenn, seriously, it was just kinda like, hmm). ex-boyfriend = boy in eighth grade that gets you completely smitten only to dump you for a nicer piece of ass (i presume that's how it went). no hard feelings anymore, yeah that only took me like two years. i think it was a prelude for my love life.

two hours later, i'm still sitting at my computer updating my music knowledge (or lack thereof). i find it kind of ironic: so i did go out to buy the new jay chow cd (momentary lapse back into fobhood - you're smirking at me i know it jenn) and i listened to it this afternoon (yes i do like the slow songs too) but at night, here i am, singing to abba's "dancing queen" and downloading old school depeche mode. i'm so eclectic when it comes to music.

ahh jenn. i love lifehouse's "everything". there's just something about it that makes me want to listen to it over and over.

for the life of me i cannot remember
what made us think that we were wise and we'd never compromise
for the life of me i cannot believe we'd ever die for these sins
we were merely freshmen

the verve pipe (1996): the freshmen

i love that song!! i cannot believe i forgot about it until i heard it on kroq's flashback 90's weekend. actually, my dad heard it and started screaming at me to go listen.

i have a midterm tomorrow. and here i am, on the internet and watching tv. hahah, this is fun.

time's fucking running out - in a month, i'll be back at berkeley. it's starting to hit me and it's making me sad. i'm a big baby, yeah, we've been through that before. i'm just a big baby. (sob)

you're absolutely right jenn, as much as i clean and organize, clean and organize all over again, there is just more and more stuff to clean and organize (even if it's the stuff you've already done). damn we're anal. we do border obsessive compulsive don't we? because i'm sure all the rest of the world is grimacing at us. (it's all good, we have each other baby!)

classic and unforgettable. angela and i were driving up cold springs back to her house, after having bought a footlong turkey breast subway sub and some catchy punk rock song (i can't remember what) was playing on kroq and we began bopping our heads and dancing like complete idiots when half of our footlong sub slid out of the wrapping and off of angela's lap to the side of the passenger seat. and right then, angela picks up the half of the sandwich that had fallen and takes a bite out of it, munching away happily. (that a girl ang, good doggy)

my arm feels like spaghetti and all they took was two tubes of blood.

i was trying to find other poems i wrote throughout high school but i must have destroyed most of them, thinking they were lame (which they are) or something, but this is from my junior year english portfolio on "the art of a kiss". i chose my project on a kiss - which shows all the more my old idealistic romanticism as i once called it. for you joey, because you have given me such support for my writings which i think are childish and hopeless.

the waves crashed against the rocks as if it were in a new york symphony, in the same tranquil rhythm, one, two, crash, one two, crash...

the wind blew ever so softly through the november air, whispering its sweet nothings into the clouded sky, beseeching its forgiveness for the storm to come. a break in the clouds seemed evident, but the wind grew stronger and somehow blew the light gray clouds back into its formation.

i stared into the bay, my eyes concentrated on a pair of distant seals, watching them as they played with each other, imagining to myself the love they must share, for their touch to each other seemed affectionate, and done with loving care.

i then heard my name being called, by an ever so familar voice, sweet, gentle, and oh, so sincere. i pivoted, my heart racing, for i knew who it was that said my name. i didn't have to look twice. there he was, staring at me with his intense gray eyes as if they were calling me from an elusive world where we belonged.

he slowly walked towards me, each thump against the old wooden boards of the balcony sending shivers down my spine. he didn't say a word. he just took me into his arms and traced lines of love down my shivering back with his smooth hands.

i tried to say something, but couldn't. my mouth acted as if it was sewn tight and the only thing that came to mind was the perfection of this moment. i felt as if we were dancing at a masquerade, two strangers drawn to each other by fate, by destiny, by love. i felt his heart beating against mine; i felt his pains, his fears, and his immense joys. it was as if i had opened the darkest chamber of his heart and joined it with mine so that our souls were one.

he slipped his hands tightly around my waist. his body moved closer to mine as he carefully brushed a strand of hair from my eyes. he stared into my eyes so intensely that i felt something from him penetrating my soul. his eyes danced circles into mine. his hand slowly dropped from my face and down my arm. he smiled, a grin, and then...time stopped.

he drew me into his realm, his lips opening the doors to my shielded heart. i felt the sincerity of his warm lips on mine, felt his heart politely asking for mine. i then felt his lips drop, sliding down, brushing against my neck as he slowly kissed my fears away. it was as if we were locked in our own castle of eternity, a world where we were the only inhabitants, a place where we could be forever. he kissed me again, and again, and again, each of his kisses drawing me deeper into his realm. the passion and warmth of his mouth on mine sent rivets down my spine. he kissed me yet again, his tongue delineating the mystery and fervor of love on mine. he drew me closer...and closer...until i had no other choice. he kissed me a final time, and i was gone.

sweet surrender they say...
or in other words...forever yours.

i'm probably going to regret posting all these poems i found that i wrote before, but it's a part of my growth, i guess. if there were ever a guy that infatuated you so, one whose mere presence made your heart skip two beats - then this is definitely him. i know this poem was for that guy. (and no, i will not name him)

when i lay beneath the silent murmers of the stars each night
my world begins to float
and i escape into this whole new realm
where flowers bloom year round,
where the sky is forever blue,
where rain feels as smooth as an angel's touch,
where whispered thoughts become reality.

more than anything he'd love to hike
up deep into the mountains
where he could swim under a beautiful rainbow waterfall.
when he smiles
i swear i feel rivets up my spine
i'd smile back
and hope that one day
i can venture into the next tomorrow
to turn my dreams from whispered thoughts to reality.

he was the best thing that ever became of me
i learned the truth about passion from the twinkle in his eyes
with his gentle touch
the floodgates of my silent dreams awake
his artistic hands teach me the curvatures of the earth
how the world can end and begin with a simple kiss
the strongest feeling in a single soul
is the soft beating of two hearts thumping as one
he sang sweet nothings about the mystery of love
twirled me under the moonlight in my imaginings
whispered thoughts of a feverish romance burning in his soul

everyday i dream of the magical moment
when love unspoken breaks the crystal glass
and shatters into a thousand pieces at his feet
the realization in his eyes
could turn chocolate into gold
and then i wouldn't have to escape into a separate atmosphere
to feel his perfectly parted lips on mine
his harmonic breath dancing on the tiny hairs at the back of my neck.

i would be swept into the peaceful currents of my own fantasy
my make-believe racing pulse would be real
he'd find me, and penetrate my being with his deep blue eyes
and whisper thoughts of a love unexplored
take my hand into his
and walk into the sunset
uttering faint desires that never compared
to the brokeness of my whispered thoughts.

so i was cleaning out my drawers and i found an old poem i wrote like sophomore or freshman year of high school. reading it again made me realize just how idealistic i was, how much i believed that love existed for me back then, and the extent of which i was horribly in love with a boy that never looked my way.

you brought light into my life and sheltered me from the rain.
your smile gives me warmth, strength for me to go on.
without you, i know i couldn't live
not a life without your smile,
those eyes that dance with the stars
and the touch that aroused -
all my love inside my deep heart.

it's so corny i can laugh for hours. but hey, i must have cried buckets of tears while i wrote that.

i really want a tattoo. i mean, i've always said it, partly meant it, but now, i really want one. actually, the permanent part scares me the most, even more than the pain, which is amazing because if you know me at all, you'll know i'm a big baby (i nearly pierced christine's hand with my fingernail digging in while my navel was being pierced). or maybe this is just a phase. i don't want to be some wrinkly old woman with a faded tattoo that looks terrible after 50 years. but i really want one now! i sound like i'm 12 or something.

so i was looking at kanji characters because the only thing i can think of as a tattoo is a chinese character. but i don't want to be fobby so i chose kanji instead (yeah, i know, big difference, wow erika, you're not a fob now).

pardon me, i'm rambling.

update on mt. sac:

today in my political science class, i learned the difference between there, their, and they're. what the fuck? i thought everyone learned this in like the third grade. i think my brain cells die every morning from 9:45 - 11:45.

mount san antonio college:

poli sci : if it's possible, i think i'm learning high school civics again. and to make things more ironic, i may have just learned more in the three sole months i had of civics, courtesy of mr. gilliland whom i have come to regard as well, a pretty all around nice guy and a hell of a better teacher than i have now. got to give her (current teacher) some credit though, she sports as much enthusiam as a second grade teacher does on a daily basis.

journalism : online, easy writing, fun material. i'm liking this after only one day.

i have so much more respect for berkeley now.