i found something new to do. i blast evanescence's "my immortal" (a tender, poignant, piercing love ballad) and spin around in my executive chair until i'm so dizzy i can't stand it. and i don't know why this feeling, as awful, headache prone, and just plain insane as it is, feels so good. in those in between moments when your head is not pounding.

today was the first time in three weeks i attended my sociology of organizations lecture. and it felt good. because even though the movie we were watching was a world away, my friend next to me fast asleep, my coffee growing cold - it felt reassuring just to be in that room in barrows. i don't know why. it's funny sometimes how i feel things at the oddest instances, while reading a book, cleaning my desk, or even in the moment i begin to wake up in the morning. i realize that there are people out there that actually ask for my advice and the advice i give is completely opposite of my own actions. if i could actually listen to my own advice i'd be ten times a better person. and it's odd how that works. i wish i were everything good i see in other people. i wish i could be a little more like them and a little less like me.

my friend chris would chastise me for saying these things. and that's because he's such a great person, friend, confidant, dinner buddy, bad movie picker, person i drag to the mall when i want some amusement. he sees the good in me. he believes in me. he tells me over and over how i over analyze things, how situations sometimes just work the way they do, and how things are not always my fault. and he's always there. even when i'm not there for him, even when i endlessly make fun of him, even when i'm too busy to return his calls.

here's to you christopher, it's still my movie choice next time.

[deep breath] it's been a great ride. congrats to my fellow beta pledge bros for crossing! i'd say more about our grand "after after party" (some alpha class bros remarked that last semester they were much drunker but nowhere near as buckness wild as betas, shall i say) but i think some people would rather it be kept on the dl...let's just say, fun times. i'll never forget that night!

and for clarification, my best friend angela who is pictured some posts below falling off the ski lift is NOT that inept. it was the first lift of the day but after that, she was all over the mountain! this girl was ten times better than i was when i first started! she rocks. really.

time for lunch. this post is to be continued.

lying there, on the floor of my bedroom, listening to julianna theory, i suddenly felt so alone. the world was around me, people were clicks on the keyboard away, a speed dial in the distance. but nothing felt right. except the feeling of loneliness. except the feeling of me, alone, lying on my floor.

my blog looks bland. so...in an attempt to make it look unbland (i love my vocab skills), these are the highlights of these past weeks.





mammoth memories. that was fun.

the following are from the big social my pledge class and i threw for the brothers. i had to add the pic of christine and dan "prom style" because it just looked so cute! sad thing is, i think the prom pic dave and i took looks more normal than any of my other dance pics - i think i was just unlucky. or dave's the man. haha. and of course, the huge goofy looking guy holding a giant tomato with his mouth open is none other than alex, my big bro. fun times.

i find that i've finally found some time. to organize my desk, read CNN online, even browse A&F a bit, and to update my blog.

time is flying by so quickly ~ in about a month school's over. and i'm no longer a sophomore. and i don't know why but that scares me. because i can no longer use the excuse that i'm young, inexperienced, naive. i've been at berkeley long enough to know how it operates. it feels right to say i'm a 2nd year. but it feels so foreign to say i'm a junior.

i was just told that i'm sensitive. and it many aspects i am. sensitive to remarks made about me, sensitive to actions people take, sensitive to things that otherwise don't make anyone else feel. for as long as i've known, being sensitive has been a part of me as being sarcastic has. in elementary school i used to never raise my hand in class unless i was 100% certain i was right. and those times that my certainty proved wrong and the teacher would say (even in a nice tone), "no, not really"; i'd be crushed. and ashamed of myself. humiliated, afraid to look at others. and perhaps a part of that has never left me. because i still can't say what i feel - i still can't express my feelings of isolation, anger, even happiness sometimes.

goal #1 for this summer: figure out why it is that i am so not understandable.

my away msg says "finishing PAPER". well, i'm writing right now! sort of.

by most accounts, i'm fairly neat. christine thinks it borders on anal but whatever. but everytime i have a paper(s) due or stuff to take care of, things just pile up. and it annoys me yes, but i don't clean it. not until everything is turned in. then i go on a cleaning spree - bedroom, bathroom, kitchen. wow, i realized how nerdy that just sounded. oh well.

THINGS THAT CURRENTLY TAKE UP ROOM ON MY DESK
-glass cup
-empty coffee cup
-empty juice appeal cup
-my plant (that is not going anywhere)
-my camera
-"looking for mr. right" book
-linkin park's meteora
-calculator (don't know why it's there, i've stopped anything to do with numbers in high school)
-cocktail coasters (from sweet lila ---> cause i swear she hazed me!)
-several post-it pads

for those who haven't seen my desk, it's huge. but there's literally no room on it. i couldn't even write a check without having to move my mouse. and i have a laptop too! something must be done about this.

i've procrastinated enough. back to my PAPER - "why are movies so bad?" ah, the joys of my mass comm classes.

i swear i haven't neglected this thing.

it's just...it's just that i've been really busy lately. seriously! haha okay that was me, sleep-deprived, having fun by whining. but no, in all honesty, it's been pretty hectic. but i'll just recap for a bit about spring break, in case anyone actually cares to know. if you don't, oh well, i'm writing it anyway. hah.

went back to diamond bar wednesday night ~ yeah, basically bolted out of berkeley missing all thursday's lectures but it was worth it! my parents picked me up at the airport as usual, the both of them, and we went to sam woo to eat, as usual again. so thursday i picked up angela from the train station and was coerced by her to eat at banana bay (not one of my favorite restaurants) where she had the time of her life and i, well i picked at my food. haha so friday was pretty chill, just hung around, saturday we met up with some old high school friends at laguna beach where christine, angela, and i decided that we wanted to play in the water which was seriously freezing and poor angela caught a cold! wanted a tan, didn't really get one.

then for four days i was in mammoth showing angela and zahir what real snow is - that is, before it was melted by the sun. beautiful weather to board in - definitely going more often during spring break. okay but one thing, the spf 45 sunblock i put on, DID NOT work! roughly two weeks after being initially burned, YOU CAN STILL TELL my goggles tan! i swear, at least two people, BEFORE EVEN SAYING HELLO to me after not seeing me for a long time greeted me with, "you have a big ass goggle tan!" gee thanks guys. haha. damn it's still not going away!

i miss home already! i miss the weather! seriously berkeley weather's a bitch. so other than that, my fun time in LA had to end too quickly, back in berkeley, lots of PSP stuff to do and want to hear something amazing? both my roommates are asleep before i am! i'm usually asleep first too! and something else i'm wondering about...richard's currently asleep on my bed, i know he's asleep because he's half breathing loudly half snoring but he's still holding his physics book propped up! you'd think it'd slip from his hands by now! haha okay anyhow, that's my entry for the week! till next time!