when i think back on this time in my life, i will remember

splitting ramen four ways, the food network, loads and loads of mtv, radiohead's "fake plastic trees", drives across the dumbarton bridge, pizza rolls, late night runs to safeway, dishwalla's "angels or devils", international human rights, mrs. field's cookies, puckers green apple & sweet and sour mix, constant shopping, mesh hats, that bright orange "oh, china!" book, moby dick, the fucking way we were (horrible movie), steps of rome, cesar, spengers, bad pho from oakland, & lots and lots of laughter.

thanks for a great month girls. it has been grand.

the psycho-bitch

emotional, needy, easily angered, crazy, irrational, insane, desperate, moronic, helpless, pathetic, sad, just so so sad.

i hope i never become one.

oh shit, too late.

Let me in
To see you in the morning light
To get me on and all along the tears they come
See all come
I want you to believe in life
But I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away
Will you find out who you are too late to change?

I wish I could be every little thing you wanted
All the time
I wish I could be
Every little thing you wanted
All the time
Sometimes

Lift me up
Just lift me up don't make a sound
And let me hold you before you hit the ground
See all come
You say you're all right
But I get the strangest feeling
That you've gone away - you've gone away
And will you find out who you are too late to change?

Don't give me up
Don't give me up tonight
Or soon nothing will be right at all
Salvation
Will you find out who you are too late to change?

I wish I could be
Every little thing you wanted


Dishwalla | Every Little Thing

what does it mean to truly be over someone?

is it actually not thinking of him every other minute of the day? is it being able to listen to sappy long songs without remembering the sweet nothings that he whispered to you beneath the faint breeze as you watched the stars fall out of the sky together? is it not having to feel pangs of jealousy every time you think about him flashing that adorable grin you loved so much to another girl? or as my high school psychology teacher taught me, is it being able to think about the past without living through all of it again?

driving back to berkeley from mountain view tonight after a delicious dinner celebrating my big bro's birthday, my roommate christine posed the question. and my friend lisa responded, "isn't it supposed to be like half the time you guys were together?"

perhaps. but what if you were with someone who touched the depths of your soul in a mere three months, four months, five months? as cynical as i am, as sarcastic as i may be, i still believe in romance, i still believe in passion, i believe in utter, hopeless, head-over-heels love. i believe that it is very possible to have footprints left on your heart from somebody who once graced your soul for even a mere two weeks. i believe that maybe there are some people who you truly cannot completely get over, for their resonance in your memories, your heart, and your precious emotions can never fade away entirely.

i believe in falling down, and getting up again. maybe in order to truly get over someone you need another to walk into your life and take your breath away again. maybe you need time, separation from everything you've ever known. maybe you need more moments spent in darkness crying away your sorrows. maybe you need to feel the terrible pangs of jealousy all over again, maybe you need to be told that your once lover has another he caresses late at night. maybe you need to hear the fatal words of "i'm completely over you", maybe you need six months in paris to clear your head. maybe you need alcohol. maybe you need cigarettes.

perhaps there really isn't a definite getting over someone. perhaps indentations will always be left on your heart from everyone who was ever able to penetrate it. and at 4:39 in the morning, i cannot seem to think of an ending sentence so i quote t.s. eliot.

"footfalls echo in the memory
down the passage which we did not take
towards the door we never opened
into the rose-garden. my words echo
thus, in your mind."

the bay bridge is incredibly beautiful at 2 am; coldplay's tunes are like candy to the brain; tiramisu melts ever so softly in your mouth; and you remember why good girlfriends are essential to your existence.

it's harder than i thought. i'm more sensitive than i ever was. i still hurt, tears still fall down my face as i let them drop, feelings of helplessness give away to hope that perhaps one day, there will be someone to kiss the tears away.

and i'll be okay again.

eyes giving away to an intense desire to sleep, fading, almost there, until a book slams on a desk, eyes flutter back open, and you're again furiously taking notes on marx's german ideology. i wouldn't consider myself a marxist, but hell, i sure do like him a lot.

drink: diet dr. pepper
candy: skittles christine bought in vegas
shoes: black jill sander pumps (that i don't have, arg)
event: hiking

thanks: to christine, who spent an hour doing chinese homework with me.